Wednesday, March 17, 2010

The purest of pain

I feel like breaking down
I feel out of place
I feel like running away
I feel sick and deep inside me bleeding
I stuck inside the world I hate!
I'm not sure how I suppossed to feel. Hurt? Left out? Frustrated? I feel sick! Sick of pretending to be all right. Sick of pretending that everything is just fine. Sick of those fake smiles and stupid lies. They speak like they care, but actually they don't. They act like they help but indeed they don't. They appear sympathy but actually not. Damn those sweet lies! It is a pity. 

You should have aware of that earlier, before playing those killing-me-inside roles. Indeed, I feel sorry towards you, really. Or am I being too cynical? 

Suffer. Few days lately, I found myself suffering. I've sisters to manage. I've a mother who sacrifices everything in world she has. I've a brother fighting for his destiny. And me, struggling to make my days alive. To wake up in the morning and greet you warmly. To walk pass the road safely and do my duty. To meet and manage a smile to my friends. To get up every time I fall. To believe that my loved ones are doing fine. To keep telling my very own self that Allah never leaves me. Thus to let the world see me all right inside out. 

I couldn't bear this anymore. I couldn't hide this anymore. It is such a painful feeling to see someone we love suffering makes us unutterably sad, and God knows that. He gave us the feelings in the first place. I feel like I'm about to explode!

Being a Muslim does not protect anyone from the reality of suffering. Belief is not some kind of spiritual inoculation which will provide immunity from all that is difficult and painful. We love Allah—but doesn’t He care when we suffer? In times of crisis, it is so easy to feel that He is far away and cannot hear our cries-but this is not so, and we all know. 

He is closer than our own neck vein; or, as the Messenger (peace and blessings be upon him) touchingly put it, closer than the neck of our own camel. His love will never desert us or let us down, even in our darkest hour. Therefore, believers should not grief in the same way as those who have no hope. We have Allah by our side. When there is Allah, there is hope! 

Yes! It is it, HOPE! Forgive us, my sinful we are. We turn to You and cling on You when we were inflicted but turn from You when we were provided. To Him we belong to, to Him is our return.

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