The purest of pain

I feel like breaking down

I feel out of place

I feel like running away

I feel sick and deep inside me bleeding

I stuck inside the world I hate!

  

I'm not sure how I suppossed to feel. Hurt? Left out? Frustrated? I feel sick! Sick of pretending to be all right. Sick of pretending that everything is just fine. Sick of those fake smiles and stupid lies. They speak like they care, but actually they don't. They act like they help but indeed they don't. They appear sympathy but actually not. Damn those sweet lies! It is a pity. 

You should have aware of that earlier, before playing those killing-me-inside roles. Indeed, I feel sorry towards you, really. Or am I being too cynical? 

Suffer. Few days lately, I found myself suffering. I've sisters to manage. I've a mother who sacrifices everything in world she has. I've a brother fighting for his destiny. And me, struggling to make my days alive. To wake up in the morning and greet you warmly. To walk pass the road safely and do my duty. To meet and manage a smile to my friends. To get up every time I fall. To believe that my loved ones are doing fine. To keep telling my very own self that Allah never leaves me. Thus to let the world see me all right inside out. 

I couldn't bear this anymore. I couldn't hide this anymore. It is such a painful feeling to see someone we love suffering makes us unutterably sad, and God knows that. He gave us the feelings in the first place. I feel like I'm about to explode!

Being a Muslim does not protect anyone from the reality of suffering. Belief is not some kind of spiritual inoculation which will provide immunity from all that is difficult and painful. We love Allah—but doesn’t He care when we suffer? In times of crisis, it is so easy to feel that He is far away and cannot hear our cries-but this is not so, and we all know. 

He is closer than our own neck vein; or, as the Messenger (peace and blessings be upon him) touchingly put it, closer than the neck of our own camel. His love will never desert us or let us down, even in our darkest hour. Therefore, believers should not grief in the same way as those who have no hope. We have Allah by our side. When there is Allah, there is hope! 

Yes! It is it, HOPE! Forgive us, my Lord...how sinful we are. We turn to You and cling on You when we were inflicted but turn from You when we were provided. To Him we belong to, to Him is our return.

So do not lose heart, and do not fall into despair; for you must gain mastery if you are true in faith.                                                                                (Qur'an 3: 139)

 

Allah sometimes works through suffering. Some people are physically healed, others are given the ability to live with the illness and finally to die with trust and hope. Suffering can never be considered enjoyable, but there can be good responses to it. And dear friends, do you know why?

Because He wants to see us always working for healing, wholeness and peace. If He wants us to do so, it means that He commands us to do so. If it is His honourable command we are following, there should be no way He will leave us alone for He is Ar-Raheem (The Merciful), Al-Muhaimin (The Protector) and Ar-Razzaq (The Provider).

Everything is under His will power.

Remove your worries and hardships by sending prayers upon the Prophet (bpuh) as a hadith delineated below:

Ubaee ibn Ka'ab (may Allah be pleased with him) asked the Messenger of Allah (bpuh),

"How much of my prayer should I dedicate to sending Salaat upon you?"

He said, "As much as you please."

Ubaee said, "One-fourth?"

He said, "As much as you please, and if you increase, it is better."

He asked, "Two-thirds?"

The Prophet answered, "As much as you please, and if you increase, it is better."

He then said, "I will make it all for you."

The Prophet answered, "Then you will be forgiven, ad your worries will be taken care of."

Be calm, please be calm! 

Only then you could think sanely.

James Allen also said:

Everything that a person accomplishes is a direct result of his personal thinking. A man is capable of triumphing and of achieving his goals through his thinking; he will remain weak and miserable if he refuses to acknowledge this.

That moment I pause to reflect, someone pop into my head. Allah's guide, the hope for me. I dial a line of numbers, belong to a respectful person who appears whenever I start to lose faith.

He was my teacher, and I honour him. He once discovered my illness without me telling my symptoms. He just saw the signs, which I tried so hard to hide. That was about six years ago and no one volunteered to lend me a helping hand. Except for my best friend, Nasratul Naim.

Talking to him made me feel alive. He offers me sincere advises. Telling me to keep holding on to Allah. Filling up my worn out spirit. Requesting me not to stop my daily supplications to The All-Hearing. Suggesting me with sensible choices as solutions. 

Thank you, Ustaz. Thanks for hearing me. Thanks for being there for me whenever I need guidance. Thanks for making me feel like I have a someone to listen to my complaints.

Rise up, Violet Orchid!

You aren't alone.

Ar-Raqeeb stands by you.

True healing is not necessarily a cure, 
but a completion of God’s work 
in body, mind, emotions and spirits. 
Do we agree?

P/S: I dedicate this beautiful song, entitled 'You are never alone' especially to my beloved sister, Syazwani and to my dear guests.